We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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