If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
