What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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