Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
