Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
