No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
