Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
