I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
