Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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