Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
