I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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