we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
