i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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