I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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