Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
