He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
