Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
