I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
