i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
