a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
