My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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