dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
