I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
