the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
my liver is dry heaving
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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