You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
