If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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