I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
