There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
