And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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