So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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