im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
