For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
