I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Vodka?
Forever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
false alarm, still single
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
