I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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