If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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