Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
