he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
