Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
