I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
