dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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