nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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