I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
