My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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