I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
