every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
