She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
