you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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