How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
