I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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