Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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