Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
