you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
