I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
