I must be too annoying 4 u.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
