hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have aggressive nipples.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
