i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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